Founder Dads Don’t Get Paternity Leave. Here’s What the Dads in Our Book Did.

When my son was born, I loved him the moment he arrived. I wrote in the book that this part was never in doubt. “What surprised me was how quickly I disappeared back into my old routine. Within weeks, I was back at work full time and then some.”

I didn’t take leave, and I don’t think I knew I was supposed to think about it. Nobody hands a founder a leave policy. In states that have paid family leave programs, NPR reported on Oct 25 that more dads are using them, sometimes as often as moms. There is no federal law guaranteeing paid parental leave, and California is one of 14 states plus D.C. with a program. If you own the company or work for yourself, the rules are different and they vary by state, so check your state’s program and talk to your advisor. This isn’t legal or financial advice.

It matters because the dads who do the hands-on work tend to find it hard and worth it. In a survey of more than 5,000 fathers, NPR reported that more childcare brought more stress, and that nine in ten still called it a deep source of happiness.

So what do you do if you’re the policy? Here is what some of the dads in our book did.

Jon Friström: five or six months alone

Jon is an engineer in Stockholm. Sweden gives parents 480 shared days of leave per child, which he calls “quite luxurious.” But Jon was a contractor, and as the book puts it, there was no guarantee a client would hold the position open. He took the leave anyway. After his partner Emma took the early months, they overlapped some time off and traveled with their baby, and then it was his turn. For five or six months he ran the house alone during the day.

It changed him. He saw the invisible load his mother had carried for decades. He learned what it meant to run a home without backup, “empathy, not as a concept but as muscle memory.” He was also honest about how long it took to feel like a dad. “It took three, four years before I started to think like a parent.”

Adam Seifer: a date he could have moved

Adam was selling his company when his daughter was born, and the roadshow for the sale landed in the same week. Four days after she arrived, he was on a plane to Europe. His wife agreed, and there was no friction. “But it wasn’t really where I wanted to be.” Looking back, he told us:

“It was my show. I could have pushed the process out by a few weeks. It wouldn’t have even been a question.”

That’s the part founders miss. Most of us are the person who could move the date, and we don’t ask. Adam’s takeaway was that life moments don’t wait for convenience. They require a decision about who you are.

Devin Banerjee: make it visible

Devin leads a news team at LinkedIn. If he’s out for a family appointment, he puts it in his Slack status. “I’m proud to do that. I want people to see that you can be a present parent and a high performer at the same time.” He applies the same rule to his reviews. “When we do performance reviews, parental leave never factors in. We promote people based on their work, not the time they spend in the office.”

You may not have a performance review process. You do have a team that’s watching what you do the first time somebody on it has a baby.

Ralph Cochrane: build the Friday

Ralph came back from paternity leave six weeks after his twins were born and found out his entire department was being terminated. He got a long severance, and the space to ask what kind of life he wanted. His wife put it plainly: he could take another corporate job, “but then your time will be someone else’s.”

He started a consulting practice and spent nearly twenty weeks in a row traveling before his wife told him she couldn’t keep going. What he built after that wasn’t one big leave. It was a standing day. He decided he would never again work Fridays, and his wife encouraged it. Fridays became time for the gym, swimming, reading and getting ready for the weekend. He also started sending a colleague when a client wanted someone onsite. “That time won’t last forever,” he says.

What I’d take from them

Not one of these dads waited for a policy. Jon used the system he had and accepted the risk. Adam wishes he’d moved a date. Devin changed what his team saw. Ralph put a recurring day in the calendar and defended it.

In the first chapter of the book, Adam wrestled with whether just being around is too low a bar for a good dad. This is where he landed:

“Presence isn’t just about being in the theater to watch your kid’s acting. It’s about recognizing that you’re also on the stage.”

If you’re a founder, your team is in the audience too. Pick the date, say it out loud, and put the day on the calendar. We have more of these stories in REBL Dad, and if you want to talk it through with other founder dads, you can request an invitation to our next gathering.

Cheers,

Derek Notman and Adam Holt